I've sifted through the racks and scoured the internet, and while none of these will garner awards at any "Ugly Sweater Contests", you'll still come out a winner... whichever one you choose to wear.
Look, I don't mean to be all Grinch-y or anything; the "Ugly Xmas sweater" has its time and place - that time being after a few too many egg nogs, that place being at home where the rest of your family is wearing ugly sweaters too. And of course, if "wear your ugliest sweater" is stated on the e-vite, then by all means do. No one likes a party pooper.
That said, if sewn-on tinsel, a mounted reindeer head, or string lights that actually work (saw it with my own two eyes) aren't your vibe, then stay with me. I'm bringing you glam over gaudy, finesse over Fair Isle, and a big 'ol sack of stylin' sweaters filled with holiday spirit... no matter your budget.
Express Foil Cable Knit Mock Neck Sweater, $43.20; express.com
You see, with a bit of embellishment, a touch of sparkle, and a little restraint, you can go from humdrum to ho-ho-ho without taking the Polar Express to "Tackytown".
And listen, if you do decide to don some gay apparel that might (intentionally or not) enter you in the running for ugliest sweater, I promise I'm not gonna tell Santa to put you on his naughty list. Just go have fun.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.